A daughter's diary

My father complained of abdominal irritation. It began with occasional discomfort, and then gradually developed into intermittent sharp shooting pain. This once-upon-a-time Iron Man used to love his platter. But for the past 4 weeks or so, he had been abstaining, his prescribed medication for heart problems included. Warded in the hospital again, he looked rather dejected and discouraged, except when his old mates came a calling. Then there would be an obvious adrenaline rush to support his enthusiasm to catch up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ He was given a 'routine' check up. The physician told us in no uncertain terms that the patient's condition was unlikely to turnaround. We were warned against harbouring false hope so that we could come to terms with reality and face the inevitable in due course. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I felt warm each time I held his hands and I cherished the moments I could share with him. The mornings were exceptionally special as I often feared he would not see dawn again. What was on his mind, whatever he thought of, whatever he was staring at, seemed to be at a different horizon. There were no sparkles in his eyes, totally without all that shine and colour. I looked at some old snapshots received from my uncle to rediscover his radiant smile. He liked to steal the thunder in group photographs, as he had a unique body language. Mum silently endured all the tantrums he threw, just refused to give up on him. That was 'love means never having to say you’re sorry' . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dad's condition further deteriorated. His fists were clenched as he endeavoured to put up a fight with the cancer cells that were gnawing at his vitals. In a matter of few days, he aged several folds. It was such a sorry state to behold. As friends came visiting, he looked at them gratefully. Such a quandary for me because on one hand I hoped he would go peacefully, in comfort, along with him his finesse and carefree attitude , no fuss ! On the other hand, I secretly prayed for a miracle. Actually I forgot about the intense operation he had last Friday, it was already a miracle that he survived. My uncle emailed a youtube link. The piece of music was as sweet as bitter. bitter as my mood. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dad weighed a meagre 40 kg. He would neither eat not drink, but allowed the growth to erode his system. For 2 days in a row, his limbs trembled now and then, and went into spasm. Looked as if his brain functions were failing too. He could hardly expressed himself. The doctor increased the dosage as well as frequency of his pain-killer. The specialist declared that any, or a combination of the followings: spreading tumors, weakening heart, malnutrition could cost dad’s endangered life. My sister and I were at the bedside last night and left Mum at home to rest. We were all exhausted. He looked sickly, gloomy, and in pain. I felt the agony too, deep in my heart. The doctor-on-call stopped supplying antibiotics, implying the battle was lost. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This morning father's condition called for red alert. He almost failed to pull through. The physician told us again to prepare our hearts. Dad seemed to have something to tell me, but was too weak to speak up. He had no option but just pat my head and gestured for me to stop crying. Then he waved goodbye, for the fifth time. He spent more and more time in deep slumber. I was afraid he might not wake up again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- His every single move was clumsy and strenuous. He was far off his prime even before this. We all suffered just looking at him. Doctor said whatever was supposed to take place, would happen soon. He gave him 24 hours. I was not ready to let go as yet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 30 hours went past. Doctor's estimate was not so accurate after all. Dad slept well, inspite of his slight fever. At a glance, he looked stable without any sign of struggles. Tonight all 3 of us would stay in the ward, just in case. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 30-9-2011, it was 11.35 pm . Father finally passed off. He drew his last breath and shrugged off all his aches and pains. We did not go hysterical, but the tears and pain in our hearts were simply too hard to suppress. We wept bitterly in each other’s arms. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fare you well my father. He was cremated and the ritual was swiftly over amidst traces of peace , tranquility and the 'miss-you' feelings. Dad's friends and folks came to pay their last respect and see him off his final journey on earth. I thought he might be pleased. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was so ironical that it had to be my birthday. We took a boat at around 2 pm & had his ashes scattered off shore. Mum shrieked for a few minutes, releasing all her pent-up emotions. Sea waves echoed, mingling with the cries of seagull, otherwise, silence was just deafening. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was some memory, totally unforgettable. I could still feel the breeze, that rustled through my long hair, leaving behind tiny crystals of salt. As I looked back, pedal of flowers were set in motion by the waves, drifting apart. Then I realised I no longer had this someone I could lean on. That helplessness almost had me drowned.